The dreaded S E X

[Spike]

Hi all
Sorry to bring this up, but was wondering if anyone elses condition has interfeared with there personal life if you know what I mean,
. Trying to explain the my wife I'm just not up to it is quite a rough subject.

Thanks everyone
Spike

[isis25]

Hey Spike,

Its a 'huge' worry to lots of us and its something that we discussed at my CFS clinic too. Being intimate with your spouse/partner takes up precious energy that some of us just can't find. The following passages is the info that the CFS clinic gave us on intimate relationships:-

<b>Fatigue and Sexual Relationships</b><u></u>

Many people with fatigue may experience problems with sexual relationships. These can be difficulties maintaining intimacy with a partner, or difficulties establishing new relationships. You may feel that you are still interested in sex but sometimes even just hugging and touching can feel like a real effort. Having CFS can sometimes lead to changes in body image and self confidence making it more difficult to be intimate. Often it can seem easier to avoid sex. However, this can have some very negative consequences.

* Avoiding sexual activity can, over time, generalise to avoiding all physical closeness - even having a hug.

* Avoiding dealing with the problem can leave sex as an area of tension and anxiety. Feelings of failure, frustration, isolation and/or guilt are common.

* Fatigue becomes the reason to avoid sexual activity. It may be worth asking yourself 'is the fatigue really the cause of the problem, or is it just hiding the real cause?' Your dissatisfaction may be based on something quite different.

Many couples live full and contented lives without sexual relationships. However, for those who would like to make changes, sexual problems can be solved with understanding, time and commitment but it does involve dealing with it and not avoiding the issue.

<b>Sexual Communication</b><u></u>
Talking to your partner is important. This is a shared problem that cannot be solved without communication. Your partner needs to know your thoughts in order to understand exactly what is wrong and to know how to help. Likewise, it may help your partner to share his/her feelings. Don't assume that you know what your partner is thinking.

Your partner may not understand that just because sex is difficult at the moment that you may want to make love again in the future.

<b>Thoughts & Feelings Around Sexual Relationships</b><u></u>
Try to identify the thoughts and feelings that are identified with having sex and my be making you feel anxious:

* I must satisfy him/her - I must be active
*How can I stop
*I cannot deal with this demand on me - it is too much
*I know I am going to suffer from this - it will be dreadful
*I should always be willing

When those thoughts have been identified, they need challenging. This should not be done alone, however. It is much easier and more helpful to discuss these thoughts with your partner.

<b>Pain & Fatigue do not mean harm</b><u></u>
Sex as part of a loving relationship cannot cause harm to any part of the body. Like when you exercise the first few times, it is possible to set off any temporary increased in pain & fatigue.

Using some positions in sexual intercourse that you are unused to may cause some soreness. No damage has been done, but you may have overdone things and not paced yourself properly.

<b>Sex is more than just intercourse</b><u></u>
Sex does not have to about full sexual intercourse. There are many ways of being intimate. Many couples find comfort and reassurance by simply lying together and caressing each other.

People often find great physical satisfaction from mutual stimulation or masturbation by stroking and kissing.

No hard can be done by this, provided both partners find it emotionally and physically acceptable. Sexual activity can also be an effective form of relaxation and can aid restful sleep.

<b>What you can do to help</b><u></u>
The following steps can be helpful in order to work on these problems:
<b>Pacing</b>: Pacing helps avoid 'overdoing it' both physically and emotionally:

*Setting some limits on practising sexual intimacy can be a helpful start.
*Communication is important here - you and your partner may decide to start with only five minutes of kissing and cuddling.
*The limits you set need to be well understood and agreed on by both of you. This helps reduce any anxiety or fear you may have about stirring up any problems.
*Plan some set time aside to spend together. This could be just for a cuddle.

<b>Goal Setting</b>:

*As you feel more comfortable exploring you and your partner's sexuality within your agreed limits you can start to expand them.
*Full intercourse does not have to be a long term goal for every couple.

<b>Practice</b>:

*It will help both partners if these sessions are practised frequently. When not having regular sexual activity, men and women tend to develop arousal problems.
*Start within limits, with which you are comfortable and frequent, successful practice will increase your confidence.


Hope this helps on what seems to be a bit of a 'taboo' subject. Maybe you could just show your wife this thread. I know its hard to get people to understand how difficult it is having this condition and all the complications of life that it raises too, but you DO need to communicate with your partner, family and friends how it affects you. (I don't mean discussing sex with your family and friends lol but just CFS in general).

Ang
x


--
I won't let ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia rule my life, I'll just adjust it accordingly!

[No2]

A great post! (isis25)

So many good messages here. Many studies have shown that the myth of "intercourse" as the Holly Grail of sex leads to disappointment. Outstanding post and good advice for everyone (but particularly for us). I have seen many studies that indicate intercourse is not the most preferred form of sexual expression for most (many?) people; intercourse is necessary for <i>procreation</i> but not <i>recreation</i>. Human sexuality is in your head, not your body!

For all of you out there... your fatigue is a perfect "excuse" to explore other wonderful types of sexuality and improve your life. You might think I am nuts, but give it a try. We no longer live in the dark ages; there is lots of good (professional) information on how to broaden your horizons! It is no surprise that most people who choose to remain sexually active as they grow older describe sex as better than when they were younger.

One last thing... figuring out your "new" sex life in the midst of your current illness might be the best medicine there is for our present illness.

<img src="images/smilies/wink.gif" border=0 />

[ATR21]

Hi Spike,

Difficult subject matter and great responses so far <img src="images/smilies/smile.gif" border=0 />

Personally I've had symptoms for one year and have had many a romantic plan ruined by headache, fatigue and sore glands. Sometimes I am literally in too much pain/lacking in evergy to do anything. Other times my attempts to initiate intimacy have been shot down, my partner questioning how I don't have the energy to do anything all day yet have enough energy for sex! Generally speaking I think that women are less likely to enjoy the physical aspects of a relationship if the emotional aspects are being neglected, though it is hard to explain that you can <i>either</i> go out for a romantic meal OR have sex, but not both!

My advice would be to try to nourish the other important parts of your relationship, be honest about how you are feeling, and prepare to take advantage of any energy reserves with some spontaneity!

Good luck with the symptoms and have fun! <img src="images/smilies/wink.gif" border=0 />